Lately I have felt different, almost as if I am not the person that I thought I was. As if the person I was was nothing but an illusion, or a mask I created to exist in a society of hippocracy and deception. Perhaps I have finally become fed up with how unhappy I am with the life I have made for myself, or perhaps its much more than that.
I have spent much more of my time reading lately. Listening rather than posting and talking, hoping that perhaps some words of advice or encouragement will bring me the happiness that I have been longing my entire life; however that has yet to happen. Nothing brings me joy the way it used to, whether it was video games, technology, controlled substances or even partying. It feels as if I have fallen into a bottomless vortex of negativity and despair and no matter how hard I fight to get out, I only find myself plunging deeper.
Perhaps the best of my days are behind me, and I am not as special as I believed. Maybe the end is drawing near. The more days pass, the closer I find myself to staring into insanity. I look in the mirror, and I no longer recognize who I see, I no longer understand what my purpose is, or even believe that i have one, but deep deep down in my heart i can hear a voice gently whisper “Don’t give up. Wake up.”
Each passing day the voice gets stronger, it keeps whispering to me to wake up; but in my darkest moments, when i feel that sanity is about to slip away from my very fingertips, it yells at me “WAKE UP!!!” Perhaps I have already gone insane, or maybe i was always insane. Regardless, i still manage to accomplish my daily tasks, as if something is guiding me through this dark moment, holding my hand and protecting me from all harm.
It was not until the day that I woke up, drunk after a night of partying, on the side of a toll road that i realized where this darkness was taking me. It wanted to claim my life, it wanted to conquer my soul, my very existence. However, why is the existence of someone so feeble and vulnerable like me so important? What would anyone or anything gain from conquering the life of some insignificant young adult with a mediocre minimum wage job was my real question. Almost instantly I heard the voice whisper once again from deep inside me “Perhaps you’re asking the wrong questions.” Suddenly i understood, I had forgotten what it was like to live for my own happiness, I had forgotten who I was and forgot the value of my very life.
The voice is still here, guiding me, talking to me ever more everyday. Maybe this voice is not insanity seeping into my life, but rather it is my inner spirit and protector guiding me through the hardest moments as i officially enter adulthood. I subjected my values and my very spirit to the opinions and regulations of others that inhabit today’s backwards society, and I barely made it out alive.
Days pass and I still wonder what could have gone wrong, and what could still go wrong in the future. I am broke, in dept, destroyed and unsure. The darkness is a scary place where anything can happen. Many lose their mental selves in this abyss while many lose their very physical existence. I almost lost everything, mind, body and spirit, and yet here i am, alive and well, writing this blog for all eyes to see.
Like the Phoenix, I have risen from the ashes of the person I was, reborn anew. I was granted another opportunity to move forward with my life and with myself. Yet my self confidence remains at staggering deficit, and my irresponsible choices have left me incapable of even trusting myself. Where am i to go from here, where do i look, and who do i ask? Unclarity still conquers my life, but rather than engulfed by darkness, i feel as if i am now engulfed by a dense fog. Perhaps i am not where i want to be, but i am where i need to be.
The journey continues.
I think about you on a daily basis. Hell daily is an under exaggeration of my thoughts, and an even greater under exaggeration of the feeling my body receives when the thought of you lingers within my mind.
Why must I feel such emotion to you and receive this absolute indifference when I know you think and feel the same? What terrible thing did I do to you. I never broke your heart, and i’ve only poured mine into your hands time and time again only to have it returned in shattered pieces of rejection and neglect.
Why am I treated with such distrust, while you go and let your heart, body and soul linger in places that don’t see your true beauty and significance. Why must I suffer this way, and why do you continue to be the culprit of this horrible heartache I continue to struggle against every waking moment of my life.
Hell at this point I wish it was only the waking moments of my life. You even appear in my dreams now. Only sadly in my dreams you are the one chasing me and I am the one walking away. But I don’t want that to be our relationship.
I cant help what I feel, and now its controlling how I think. My feelings create this horrible thought of you. The feeling of neglect makes me think you are uninterested, the feeling of annoyance makes me feel like a nuisance. As if I will never be good enough, nothing I can do or conjure in this world will allow your heart and mine to finally unite and become what I know we can become. What we are meant to become.
I know you feel it too. I know you feel it when our lips meet, and I know you feel it when you press your body against my own.
Perhaps I’m just delusional, maybe I’m slightly crazy. Maybe I’m completely crazy, but I cant help this feeling I have that lingers deep in my chest. Time away from you tares me apart, and when I know you’re talking to another, I just feel “enterrado en el olvido”.
So now the story ends and begins in a defeat. The pettiness of all was punished by all. How tragic it was for the young boy to understand that his one true love had been swept away by the deception of change the past has promised. But yet under all the tears and stress of the world. The days of not eating and drinking. Finding himself on the side of the road after a night of reckless decisions. He has come back anew and has been set free.
But what to do with this new found freedom. What does it mean to be selfish? Mother always wanted us to give to each other and to give to the world. But how does one give what they do not have. There must be sometimes where people have to take. No, not take him back. One can not take back something that was never theirs to begin. That would be a defeat and the possible destruction of a wonderful relationship, something the young boy cannot afford to lose.
There is only one option; to burn. The boy burned with every emotion, every memory and died in that process. He burned himself to the ground, to a crisp, and has disappeared under the weight of his emotions. However, only for something else to rise from the ashes. A man, a fearless man with endless courage, and a warm heart. One that is strong and will protect what he loves, because he understands the pain of losing something so dear.
The days of the past were over for the boy, and he could not bring his lover with him into the future. He could not make him see through his eyes, through his knowledge and experience. So now he must be there for him, for he knows more pain is about to begin. He knows history will repeat and that his love will only end up heartbroken like he has been plenty of times. Although now there is not a boy waiting for the moment this happens.
It’s only been a day, and I can’t help but miss him. Two days ago he told me he was thinking of returning to his ex, the day where my imaginary world of love came to an abrupt halt. Cry was all I was able to do, for I was watching the potential love of my life walk away from me, and there was nothing I could do to stop this scenario from escalating any further.
The worst part about it, is that he loves me too, but he cannot let the past stay in the past where it belongs. What am I to do until he realizes the mistake he made. Do I stay and wait for him, do I go back out and find someone else to pave over the empty hole that was left in my heart? There are so many questions I have but the main one is why? Why did he leave me, why can’t he let go of his past, why can’t he trust his heart and mine and live a happy life with me.
The moments between us were priceless and now they are beyond priceless, but they are also gone. So I sit here, with a heart full of hope and disappointment, hoping that he will see the error in his ways and find his way back to me with the light of my love.
How does someone find the courage and strength to move on? How does someone find the patience to wait? How can I keep my love from expiring for him while I wait. How can I keep the fire for two kindled when I am the only one here to nurture it. Sadly theres nothing more I can do. Everything is left in his hands, and all I can do is wait. Put my heart into a cryogenic state because I never want to stop loving him.
It’s sad and depressing. There is so much love that will go unexpressed and unnoticed all over a relationship that is well past its time. Fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice and well, shame on me. How many times must he be fooled in order to see the error of his ways. How many times does he have to encounter disappointment from his past in order to know that he deserves a better future. How can he deny the feelings he clearly has for me knowing that I would give up everything in a heartbeat just to see him smile.
The univers is not lacking in love because there is a deficit of love. The universe is lacking in love because we chose to love the wrong people. We throw those who would do anything for us to the side, and love those who throw us to the side. We think that loving someone can help change them only to be sadly disappointed with the results every time. We all have that person we wish we would have never let go, but don’t realize that they were the ones that let us go when they stopped loving.
You can’t stop loving someone, it’s not a switch someone can just turn on or off. It’s not some meaningless emotion that will just go away in a matter of seconds. It’s powerful, it’s impactful, and it always prevails even in the darkest of moments. So I know our love now is not over, but far from over. It is resting deep within both our hearts, and will come alive every time we see each other. It will grow during the separation, and if it is true and meant to be, it will prevail.
But until then, the painful truth is I have nothing. Nothing but a decent attitude and defeat that i have taken from all of this. Although I am still attempting to remain optimistic. Maybe he was just not ready, maybe theres something better out there for me, maybe he will see the error of his ways and realize what he’s done. My painful truth is theres nothing for me to do but wait, because theres nothing else within my power.