Monthly Archives: July 2017
Lately I have felt different, almost as if I am not the person that I thought I was. As if the person I was was nothing but an illusion, or a mask I created to exist in a society of hippocracy and deception. Perhaps I have finally become fed up with how unhappy I am with the life I have made for myself, or perhaps its much more than that.
I have spent much more of my time reading lately. Listening rather than posting and talking, hoping that perhaps some words of advice or encouragement will bring me the happiness that I have been longing my entire life; however that has yet to happen. Nothing brings me joy the way it used to, whether it was video games, technology, controlled substances or even partying. It feels as if I have fallen into a bottomless vortex of negativity and despair and no matter how hard I fight to get out, I only find myself plunging deeper.
Perhaps the best of my days are behind me, and I am not as special as I believed. Maybe the end is drawing near. The more days pass, the closer I find myself to staring into insanity. I look in the mirror, and I no longer recognize who I see, I no longer understand what my purpose is, or even believe that i have one, but deep deep down in my heart i can hear a voice gently whisper “Don’t give up. Wake up.”
Each passing day the voice gets stronger, it keeps whispering to me to wake up; but in my darkest moments, when i feel that sanity is about to slip away from my very fingertips, it yells at me “WAKE UP!!!” Perhaps I have already gone insane, or maybe i was always insane. Regardless, i still manage to accomplish my daily tasks, as if something is guiding me through this dark moment, holding my hand and protecting me from all harm.
It was not until the day that I woke up, drunk after a night of partying, on the side of a toll road that i realized where this darkness was taking me. It wanted to claim my life, it wanted to conquer my soul, my very existence. However, why is the existence of someone so feeble and vulnerable like me so important? What would anyone or anything gain from conquering the life of some insignificant young adult with a mediocre minimum wage job was my real question. Almost instantly I heard the voice whisper once again from deep inside me “Perhaps you’re asking the wrong questions.” Suddenly i understood, I had forgotten what it was like to live for my own happiness, I had forgotten who I was and forgot the value of my very life.
The voice is still here, guiding me, talking to me ever more everyday. Maybe this voice is not insanity seeping into my life, but rather it is my inner spirit and protector guiding me through the hardest moments as i officially enter adulthood. I subjected my values and my very spirit to the opinions and regulations of others that inhabit today’s backwards society, and I barely made it out alive.
Days pass and I still wonder what could have gone wrong, and what could still go wrong in the future. I am broke, in dept, destroyed and unsure. The darkness is a scary place where anything can happen. Many lose their mental selves in this abyss while many lose their very physical existence. I almost lost everything, mind, body and spirit, and yet here i am, alive and well, writing this blog for all eyes to see.
Like the Phoenix, I have risen from the ashes of the person I was, reborn anew. I was granted another opportunity to move forward with my life and with myself. Yet my self confidence remains at staggering deficit, and my irresponsible choices have left me incapable of even trusting myself. Where am i to go from here, where do i look, and who do i ask? Unclarity still conquers my life, but rather than engulfed by darkness, i feel as if i am now engulfed by a dense fog. Perhaps i am not where i want to be, but i am where i need to be.
The journey continues.
I think about you on a daily basis. Hell daily is an under exaggeration of my thoughts, and an even greater under exaggeration of the feeling my body receives when the thought of you lingers within my mind.
Why must I feel such emotion to you and receive this absolute indifference when I know you think and feel the same? What terrible thing did I do to you. I never broke your heart, and i’ve only poured mine into your hands time and time again only to have it returned in shattered pieces of rejection and neglect.
Why am I treated with such distrust, while you go and let your heart, body and soul linger in places that don’t see your true beauty and significance. Why must I suffer this way, and why do you continue to be the culprit of this horrible heartache I continue to struggle against every waking moment of my life.
Hell at this point I wish it was only the waking moments of my life. You even appear in my dreams now. Only sadly in my dreams you are the one chasing me and I am the one walking away. But I don’t want that to be our relationship.
I cant help what I feel, and now its controlling how I think. My feelings create this horrible thought of you. The feeling of neglect makes me think you are uninterested, the feeling of annoyance makes me feel like a nuisance. As if I will never be good enough, nothing I can do or conjure in this world will allow your heart and mine to finally unite and become what I know we can become. What we are meant to become.
I know you feel it too. I know you feel it when our lips meet, and I know you feel it when you press your body against my own.
Perhaps I’m just delusional, maybe I’m slightly crazy. Maybe I’m completely crazy, but I cant help this feeling I have that lingers deep in my chest. Time away from you tares me apart, and when I know you’re talking to another, I just feel “enterrado en el olvido”.